When I don't follow my own rules...This happens...

I am not in a very cheerful mood as I write this. This is a post out of stress, worry, fear and mostly regret.

I have this rule of mine (its not mine actually, it's a world famous saying kinda thing) that says "Do only 1 thing in your life and then expect success. You try to do a multitude of things and you will fail, miserably. All those great people are known for 1 field..."

Yes its more of a saying rather than a rule but I like to thrust this rule upon everyone I meet and try to tell them that it IS the secret of success. There is nothing simpler than focusing towards your one goal when it comes to mantras of success.

But the bloody irony of this is that I almost always fail to follow my own rule. I don't focus on my love. I do it though, in fact I give it my highest priority and highest amount of hours in a day. But then in the remaining time I am like, "Oh I should do this and that and this and that! And that too! That,  yes I am going to learn and experience of course after I get a time slot free in my schedule."

Because perhaps somewhere inside I am weak. And afraid. Like everyone else who can't focus on one thing and put all the eggs in one basket. Because we all, are afraid to take such a big risk. We can't afford to make this big an investment and are afraid, "What if even I do everything I can and still fail?" "What if it wasn't the thing for me?" "What if it doesn't work out?" "What if I don't have any plan B to switch back if all else fails?' 

"What if?"

And so I will make every day of my life a struggle. Every day I will try to put as much into as much I can find. I continue this for a few days. I kinda do well in some of the stuff. I feel happy. And then, suddenly it hits me. BAM. MY body gives away. My mind is never, ever ready to give it up. But my poor body does. It gives up of the torture I put through it. Of the sleep and rest I steal from it. Of the calmness and relaxation I never give it. I land in the bed, trying to figure out why don't I follow my own rules. . .

And the story repeats itself over and over and over again.

This is not the first time, I have got screwed up. I have got these medical conditions plenty of times in the past. I am a carrier of enough diseases already. And it seems if I go at this pace, I will keep on pouring flaws into my health till the pitcher is full and ready to burst.

But yeah, one another rule that I would like to tell you is, "If you feel you are screwed up inside, go ahead and see a doctor. They are amazing folks you know. Don't be lazy or stuff, just go."

Its another rule of mine which I often break. Two days back I was like, "Ohk I am fine, I am fine". But today I mustered up myself and finally went to my doc. And the meeting was really, really relaxing. Seriously as I said, doctors are amazing folk, they take your worry away.

So after the doctor has done the diagnosis and given the prescription and assured me I will be fine in a few days, he is like:

"What's your age?" asked the wise doc with a curious glare in his eyes.
"Uhm, 21" said I, rather casually.
"Hmmm its nothing to worry about. Though, you know, your body should kinda work till at least next 9 years. Problems should be arising after 30, not before that. But anyway, you will be fine."

I kinda feel a bit weird as I exit his door and kinda relieved that the issue isn't as big I had thought but somehow I feel it is. Because then I remember that old pundit that has told my mom that I will get a lot in my life, riches, success etc etc and some other things which he was true about, but kinda I will be down at 30. Yes, bloody 30. Not that I believe in the astrology shit, but still 30 is way too early to go down on bed.

And then I remember my dad too, who often says to me that he is worried about my health etc and wants me to live for 100 years and live a very healthy life. (Backstory: I hardly, hardly take care of myself and he kinda knows this fact well). And then I tell him proudly, that "Dad, I don't want a good length in this life. Just a good breadth. That's all."

Although right now, I kinda feel different. So I will just shut up, take my pills and lay down on bed as I hope I get enough length in this screwed up life. Not 100 of course, but perhaps average please? lol ;p

SO, what do you think dear reader (if any ;p)? Do you believe in these rules? Does life's breadth matters more to you than the length?

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Shivani said...

I remember watching doordarshan with babaji when i was very small. We saw that 7 a.m. news and they usually had some quotation along with usual morning news.. So the lady said, 'Zindagi lambi nahi badi honi chahiye'. Babaji looked at me and asked me if I understood that. I shook my head and said no, and he asked me to go and ask my teacher about it. I actually did that. Bugged my Hindi teacher (and ofcourse she was happy that a student came to her with questions other than the ones from text book), and she happily gave me some explanation which I don't obviously remember now. However, what is still stuck in my head is (as you can tell from reading this post) the line - "Zindagi lambi nahi badi honi chahiye".

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You must take proper care of yourself... you have many great things yet to accomplish!

Quizzard said...

I'm passing through somewhat the same phase right now, albeit too cowardly to share it with anyone. I must say I admire your courage.

My verdict is, it all comes down to ambition (in other words, what you want in life). Overly ambitious people tend to forget that life isn't measured by one's achievements.

The real bitch, I think, is when you think of the future. You think and think about it, plan, re-plan, and in the process, waste away the present.
I think the happiest man in the world isn't the greatest achiever, but the one who lives in the moment.

PS: I don't know how much relevance this has to your post, I just wrote what I've deduced this week about myself.

sPaRRoW said...

Balance is the key :P
In your example ^^, both kinds of people are filled with regret in the end. So if we strive to achieve the right balance, everything will be fine :D.

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