As you may have guessed from my absence that I've been terribly busy (assuming, no, rather hoping that there are people who actually care about this blog), I kind of feel bad for not writing for a while. Life has been such that there was some travel and then there is growing pressure of my MS graduation coming closer.

I don't know how to explain the situation that I'm in as clear as I hope I ought to tell but I'll give it a shot anyway. Basically, I'm looking for PhD positions at various universities and turns out funding and stuff is terrible rare these days. And I had two unofficial offers from two normal univs in whom I was never interested in the first place and the profs sounded kind of pushy and wanted me to say yes immediately, which made me shrink away further.

I mean I would rather continue with Prof. X rather than go out and find a worse devil to be my jailer for the next 4-5 years. But lately, as the awesome universities I've applied to are acting lazy in sending me back their decisions (rejections?), I am constantly haunted by an old conversation that I had with Prof X.

"So Tanja, did you figure out where you gonna do your PhD?"

"Uhmm, no? I just finished applying. How can-"

"See Tanja, you must decide fast. I can't hold funds for you till the end. Either you continue your work here at 'Jaali University' or you tell me right away that you plan to leave. I've a Japanese girl on my top list that's planning to come here for PhD, I can't support you once I hire others."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-ut, how can I decide before hearing back from any univ? Couldn't you give me some time to decide? ("Oh you bastard, don't you blame Japan now" <- This is what I wanted to say but couldn't say)

"I don't care where you go. I need a PhD student starting from the next semester, either you or someone else. Maximum, I can wait till February, after that if you come to me asking for PhD funds, I certainly can't help you. Have a good day."

And with that he trotted away, that son of a ___, leaving me in turmoil. This happened three months ago, and so far I'ven't got a single offer. And I don't know what's gonna happen to my future. Worst case scenario, I return back to India, jobless and hopeless, with a degree which no one cares about.

Three days ago things somewhat changed. A university has now invited me for a campus visit on their expense; it's not an offer yet, but it's something like a streak of light, a droplet of hope, a flicker of a flame, or really I think it represents the loose, abandon, window door in my dark and dusty attic.